Marriage, like life, is a cycle of ups and downs. It’s easy to say
your marriage is in good health when the world around you is prospering,
but when your fortunes turn and your world is in hardship, how you
interact within your marriage can often paint an altogether different
picture.
How we feel about those we love can have a huge impact on the health
of the relationship, much like a relationship with a friend. We love our
friends, but the real test of a friendship
or relationship is when, in times of crisis, we feel let down or disappointed in our loved ones or the outcome achieved.
In many cases, the disappointment you feel is in your perspective of
the situation. You set standards of behavior for yourself and set the
same high standards for those around you, and are disappointed when they
let you down. In taking some meaning from the hurt you feel at being
disappointed, a colleague shared the following insight:
“You feel disappointment so keenly because you love people so much”
So is it the same when we feel disappointed or let down by our
partners? Do we feel disappointment or hurt so keenly because we put our
partners up on such a pedestal and expect them to always get it right?
This was perhaps a little more complicated than I had first
anticipated, and it made me wonder whether the fault was on them for not
living up to our expectations or standards, or
whether our standards were in fact what was at fault. Is it fair to
expect the same level of respect and love that you offer so freely to
those that you love?
I tell myself that I must lower my expectations of others and that I
will do so in what they expect of me, but the reality is that I seem
unable to do so. I think the world of my friends. If I love someone I
feel compelled to share this thought with them so that they might know
that they are valued, and I constantly live in hope that the same
feelings are felt in return.
But in taking a closer look, we realize that this is part of what
love is about. Sharing our feelings of connection with others, and
letting them know that what they do is valued. We feel a sense of
togetherness when we are able to share our feelings with others. Love is
also what keeps us coming back for more, keeps us trying to do things
better, and helps us to keep trying even when we feel let down.
So how do we let go of the hurt?
Some would say that unconditional love is giving love without the
expectation of reciprocation. But it doesn’t make it any easier. Part of
loving those around you is knowing that they share the same values as
you, and that they will be there to support you when you need it.
Knowing that quitting isn’t an option, and that the benefit of hanging
in there is going to deliver benefits to both of you is what keeps many
people going.
Telling your partner about your feelings and expectations is a hard
thing to do, and exposes you to a certain amount of vulnerability.
There is also the fear that your comments can be taken the wrong way, or
that they can be used against you or interpreted as a criticism.
It’s not about criticism. It’s about helping your partner see why you
feel the way you do. It’s about helping communicate a part of what
makes you tick. It may not be perfect, and it feels scary, but that is
one of the most valuable parts of this exercise. In talking to a partner
about your feelings and what leads you to feel these feelings is a valuable part of intimacy.
It’s about getting to know each other better.
And realizing that loving someone is about loving them even when they let you down.
For more tips about unconditional love and developing a greater
understanding of what it truly takes to create and foster a healthy and
loving marriage, check out “Save My Marriage Today”
