Any marriage will inevitably face a battery of storms during the
course of its life cycle. Some couples may face bigger problems than
others, but the one constant in any relationship is a series of tests
and trials that will occur over the years and decades.
One way or another, you and your spouse will have to go through your
own unique set of conflicts. When it comes to marital problems it’s
always a question of “when” rather than “if”.
For many couples, the root of their difficulties doesn’t lie in their
actual problems, but in their lack of preparation. Some think that
being merely aware that married life isn’t perfect will
be enough to help them get past conflicts.
However, foresight is much more than just anticipating the problems
ahead – it also has a lot to do with taking precautions in order to deal
with them.
That is why a regular habit of preventive maintenance is important in
preserving any investment you make in life. With something as precious
and priceless as your marriage, you should be mindful of the things you
have to do today in order to strengthen your foundations on a long-term
basis.
Think of your relationship as a tree; reinforcing your roots will make it difficult for any storm to yank it out of the ground.
Specifically, regular dates and rituals are some of the most
practical but vital measures you can take to preserve the health of your
marriage. Cars break down when they are neglected or miss their
scheduled check-ups.
That’s basically what life is all about: constant maintenance that
keeps everything in good working order. A little tweak here and a minor
adjustment there go a long way in keeping your relationship from going
off-course.
When you make the conscious effort to clear a chunk of your time for
your spouse, it signifies that it’s in your interest to keep each other
happy. Not only that, every date you keep or ritual
that you habitually observe are small but infinitely powerful
affirmations that you want to stay with your partner for better or
worse.
Whenever you make the effort to leave the kids with your parents
during Friday night movie date, you are also renewing the vows you made
at the altar.
As an aside, I would like to point out that while rituals and dates
should be part of your marriage, there is a distinction between them.
Rituals are habits or practices that should be little reminders of your
love for one another.
They can be something as simple as passing by the bookstore where you
first met, or hoosing to sit in a certain section of the movie theater
where you had your first kiss.
Dates also serve the same general purpose, but these are social
functions done outside of the house. You can do those special rituals
as part of your date, or separately for certain occasions. The important
thing is that both things are done on a regular basis.
Another significant reason behind dates and rituals is that they keep
the emotional connection alive by constantly creating and updating an
exclusive pool of shared experiences.
After all, there should be some compartment of your marriage that’s
reserved for only the both of you. It is this private feeling for one
another which serves as your foundation and must be preserved at all
costs.
A lot of busy couples make the excuse of ignoring these things,
thinking that they can put if off for another time. When it’s a
marriage we’re talking about, what you take for granted today can be
whisked away tomorrow.
It’s very unhealthy to assume that things will stay the way you want
to without making enough effort to keep it as such. Keeping a regular
schedule for dates (and any rituals found within) should be part of your
regimen to keep your relationship fit.
Here’s another way of looking at it: not investing enough time in
your marriage puts that sense of intimacy at great risk. Often called
by many as the “spark”, the emotional closeness you have with your
spouse will keep you from falling apart when you run into problems.
It doesn’t take a relationship expert to realize that you need to
drop everything once in a while and enjoy each other’s company to keep
yourselves from being miserable.
Marriage is work, but all work and no play makes for a very dull
marriage. Once that dullness sets in, it can cultivate an atmosphere of
coldness and detachment. I don’t have to tell you
that those are two very ideal factors for cheating.
In a nutshell, it is always in peoples’ nature to seek something that
they feel are lacking in their lives. In the case of an estranged
spouse, he/she may choose to capture that “falling in
love” feeling with another person that they are superficially attracted to.
Simply put, any partner needs to have the feeling of being loved and
validated by their spouse. Without it, they could very well go off
chasing after someone else to satisfy that basic necessity lacking in
their marriage.
This is one of the biggest reasons why people cheat on their spouse.
If they can’t get enough happiness from their current relationship, a
“starved” partner might justify running off with
another person to satisfy their needs.
In short, going on dates and observing couple rituals keeps you
focused on each other, and not on people outside the marriage. These
things allow you to remember why you fell in love with each other in the
first place.
Essentially, you are preventing a gap to grow between you both, lest
that void be filled by someone else. It’s important to remember that
it’s way easier to prevent a problem from getting out of had rather than
fixing the damage resulting from negligence.
In today’s troubled economic times however, both spouses need to work
just to make ends meet. As such, couples have to sacrifice their “we
time” in order to pay the bills.
Yet you should bear in mind that the marriage you are trying to
sustain needs more than just financial support. The emotional and
romantic aspect of your relationship needs attention, too. Therefore,
all couples must make time to reconnect with one another. Whether it’s
on a monthly, weekly, or daily basis, you should make the effort to
squeeze in some couple time.
Of course, every marriage has a different set of circumstances, so
you’ll need to work out a customized date schedule to suit your
situation. Do try to sit down and discuss this with your spouse so that
both of you can agree upon which specific day(s) of the month are just
for the two of you.
As for the dates themselves, they should go by a few general
guidelines to make them effective. First of all, they need to be
meaningful to you both. Whatever activity or outing you have in mind,
they have to appeal to you emotionally.
I suggest that your dates should be a sort of reminder of your early
days as a couple. This allows you both to remember the things that
brought you together in the first place. For instance, if you first met
on the dance floor, then you can go back to those times by setting a
fortnightly or monthly ballroom date.
As we mentioned before, these have to be out of the house if you can
manage it. Making the effort to dress up and go out will stimulate you
into going through the motions of keeping your love alive.
While you can have rituals like vegging out in front of the TV and
having a snack before turning in for the night, there also has to be an
evident commitment to make time for each other at an outside venue. It
can be a weekly trip to the planetarium, or a nice coffee date where you
first met.
Whatever it is, your dates are best done at a special place aside from home.
Although there aren’t any hard and fast rules set in stone regarding
the length of your dates, they do have to be long enough to allow you a
nice conversation or the opportunity to renew your intimate connection.
To give you an idea, why don’t you try taking up a sport, or get back
into doing some of the hobbies or interests that you enjoyed before you
met? Physical activity is a great way to diffuse tension brewing at
home and relieve the strain on your marriage.
Try engaging in sports that will either allow you to compete against
each other or cooperate against other opponents. Generally, a minimum of
one to two hours seems to work for many
couples.
Another suggestion we have is for you to take part in some community
work or any activity with a social cause. If both of you would be
inclined to do so, this is a great way for you reconnect in a way that
also benefits people and organizations who need all the help that they
can get.
For example, volunteering to read books to the elderly or sick, help
out at your local food shelter, or a fundraising community group, will
help you bond and make you think of the things that you might be taking
for granted as a couple.
The bottom line is that your dates should have no creative limits; as
long as they can help you renew your connection in a tension-free
setting, then you are doing the right thing for your
marriage.
Life-threatening emergencies notwithstanding, the important thing is
that you make a solid promise to one another to keep your regular dates
and rituals etched into your respective calendars.
Even in your weakest or most trying moments, those dating rituals and
dates may be the one thing that sustains you and saves your marriage.
And don’t forget, if you want more advice that is going to change not
only your marriage, but the way you live the rest of your life, you
must check out Save My Marriage Today.
