One of the most common questions spouses ask when confronting a
marriage crisis is this: How can I save my marriage if my partner
doesn’t want to help find a solution? How do I succeed I am trying to
save my marriage on my own?
It is a typical enough story: one partner leaves, the other stays.
One remains ‘in love’, the other is uncertain. Whatever it is that has
caused a couple to be apart, the one person who remains bears the
prospect, fear, doubt, desire, hope of saving his or her marriage’
ALONE.
Considering there are two people contributing to the overall health
and well-being of a marriage, shouldn’t both of you be present to
actually try and save it? Or, worse, when it’s his, her, their fault so
shouldn’t he, she, they be the ones to make amends? You’re just the
victim here, after all!
The first thing you must know is if you want to save your marriage
and if you find yourself alone in this desire, waiting for the other
spouse to make the first move is the beginning of the end. If you are
looking for someone to blame or someone else to put the emotional and
physical work into saving the marriage, again, it’s going to fail.
The belief that the responsibility lies with the other person is a
self-defeating attitude. It propagates the belief that there is
absolutely NOTHING you can do to save your marriage and you should stand
and watch what comes your way.
NOT true!
There is still something you CAN DO. Even in your loneliness and solitude, you CAN save your marriage.
How? Let’s begin first by examining what it means to be on your own.
As human beings, we hate being alone. It’s part of our genetic make
up to be social creatures and develop connections with others, whether
through friendships or romantic interest. The way we connect with others
and the nature of how we interact with people is a fundamental aspect
of personal and emotional development.
The paradox is that as we grow older in the love, trust,
companionship and support of our significant others, we develop an
internal strength of self that makes us whole, happy human beings.
Ideally, the mature human person should have developed a strong sense of
self-awareness, confidence and self-esteem as he or she reaches
adulthood. These become the windows with which we view the world, flaws
and all. These make up part of our personal shelter amidst challenges
and difficulties. This is called SELF-ACTUALIZATION.
However, many of us enter into adult life without even being aware of
this beautiful, human truth. We may have experienced abandonment in our
childhood or been disappointed by our romantic relationships; whatever
it is, it has caused to shift from proper mature development to fears of
abandonment and the inability to see that we can stand on our own two
feet.
Thus, many of us enter relationships and marriages with the hope,
plan and dream that we would never be alone. We invest so much in our
partners and loved ones, focusing our entire beings on them and relying
on them to make us happy and secure. Unfortunately, this perspective
carries with it its own poison. Subconsciously, we project the
responsibility of our life happiness on the other person, eloquently
sidestepping taking responsibility for our own life happiness and
destiny.
Problems develop when a partner indicates some form of
dissatisfaction with the relationship or the expectations unwittingly
placed upon them, and when they do so, we panic. When our partner
leaves, our fears kick in. When something goes wrong with our marriages,
it is very easy for us to place the blame of the other person for
having made us unhappy.
In order to save your marriage when you are the only one doing it,
the key then is a paradigm shift, meaning, the key is to change your
attitude and focus. Stop focusing on your partner – stop the blaming,
stop the inaction.
Take a good look at yourself and what you can do in this moment. You
can definitely NOT control your partner’s feelings, attitude and
reactions, but you can control your own. You can go from fearing
abandonment to actually taking responsibility for yourself and your own
happiness.
This is where the human truth about self-actualization comes in.
Understand, adapt and internalize this for yourself. Learn it. It will
spell the difference not just in your marriage but in YOU.
A whole human being is easy to love. A happy person attracts
happiness. In starting with yourself, you can move from being an
unhappy, clingy, difficult person to one who can provide an environment
of safety, wisdom, trust and open communication. If each of you are able
to self-sustain when it comes to taking responsibility for your own
life happiness, you both have much less baggage and much more genuine
love to bring into the relationship. Your motivation shifts from being
one of fear to being one of real love.
Rather than beat yourself up in desperation, try these tips to start
your own personal transformation and lead your marriage to success:
– Breathe
– Smile
– Let go
– Believe that reconnection is possible
– See a counselor for YOURSELF not just for your marriage
– Examine your part in contributing to the difficulties in your marriage
– Forgive yourself
– Change
– Look after your health, beauty and well-being
For all you know, your partner (and you) may just rediscover the
person they first fell in love with and more. For all you know, this is
the type of you that would allow your partner to come back and initiate
communication. When that happens, you have every opportunity to sit down
with him or her, discuss your motivations, plans and feelings. You can
even get to the real issues surrounding your marital difficulties and
actually begin taking positive steps to work them through.
In being open and mature, you can also provide an environment where
love and intimacy can flourish once more. With all the confidence and
sincerity you have gathered, take these steps. Plus one more. Even in
your separation, conflict or difficulties, find it in you to continue
loving your partner and showing him or her that you do. Through little,
subtle acts, like preparing a snack for him or her or spending some
quality TV time, you can rekindle love in your marriage. They don’t have
to be grand gestures, they just have to be sincere. And coming from the
mature, new you, they will.
**********************************************************
This article is brought to you by Save My Marriage Today.